The jacked-tooth gangster on the left is none other than Baptist minister/Arkansas politician/aspiring presidential candidate – Mike Huckabee, or who I like to refer to as Huckleberry. You see, Huckleberry has a very shrewd strategy, he plays the aw-shucks bit to a tee in order to enlist the flat-Earth mafia. At the same time he is scheming to impress the triple-digit I.Q. folks with his purportedly reasoned, and minimally comedic, attempt at a personality. I was on to Huckleberry’s ‘lil charade fairly early on, so I can give you the straight scoop.
This Kevin Spacey-resembling biscuit head (lacking the necessary family tree branch divergence needed for a properly-shaped mug) bails up with a straight-ahead religious-brigade posture, and chases it with a populist country-boy John Cougar Mellencamp theme.
Huckleberry ain’t about shit. You mean to tell me that he is trying to do battle with Democrat powerhouses like Barak (Hussein-in-the-Membrane) Obama and Billary (chunky-ankle-trick) Clitton with punk-ass endorsements by tired ass whities like Chuck Norris? Bump that noise – they got Streisand and Oprah foo!
The square wheels on the Huckleberry chuck-wagon are busting up real fast though. My favorite rag, the Old Gay Lady, put out a hit-piece that fucked him up real good. You see, Huck is running on that crippled-ass tough on crime red state bullshit, but he ain’t got a real good track record. When he was Governor of Arkansas, he let a throat-slitter out of the pokey who ended up prematurely after-lifing another innocent victim.
That is where the preacher-man schtick don’t be jiving with the Executive duties requirement (faithfully upholding the law and all that good shit). Huckleberry be praying for murdering soul body-chambers while unlocking the bastard’s cell door. Next thing you know, little old ladies be getting they door kicked in and chopped up into bite-sized human raisin chunks, and Huckleberry got the blood on his praying paws.
Huckleberry also got a real big problem with the dookie-chute crew. See, being a Baptist requires you to have a literal interpretation of the Good Book. For instance, the book of Leviticus gets real specific on some rules that if you mess up on, you ain’t gonna be able to hop the rapture train with the other 143,999 true-believers. You gotta slit a lamb’s neck just right for your sacrifice to Yahweh, you can’t mess with your old lady when she be bleeding, and most importantly, you can’t lay with no man.
Under a strict-constructionist interpretation I would be jacked up because I crashed at my partner’s house one time, and we both slept on his king-sized water bed together. There wasn’t no funny stuff going down, but if a Huckleberry-like fool was out to get me, he could let the Big Guy know I broke the Old Book pact.
Anyways, what I am saying is that Huckleberry said some hateful stuff that would make a Judy Garland-worshipper real sad on the inside. HuckleNutz was talkin’ shit on the Aids sufferers in the 90’s saying that homosexuality was an “aberrant, unnatural and sinful lifestyle” that posed a “dangerous public risk.” That eternal damnation hellfire for gays talk may fly in Hope, Arkansas, but when those views collide with the decent folks in real America, you got problems son. I am sure he gonna try to claim religious persecution or spin it to look like it ain’t no big deal, but you can’t be railing on poor suffering folks with a horrific disease because they possess immutable genetic traits.
All I’m saying is you better watch this mofo. He got the worst of them all wrapped up in one, Jerry (Bible-thumping hate mongerer) Falwell, Jimmy (dookie-eating grin Baptist) Carter, and Bill (Razorback sweet-talking slickster) Clinton.
Its gonna be a long road to ’08 fellas, but JP got a bulls-eye strapped to all they asses.
– I do not sniff the coke, I only smoke the Sinsimella!