Johnnypeeper’s Introduction to Crystal Meth


Folks, I implore you, leave that stuff alone. I been using Crank on and off (mostly on) for about 9 years. I have paid the price in terms of evaporated grey-matter, depleted bank accounts (mine and several others), judicially-imposed restitution costs, and a host of bodily desecrations (too many to name without upgrading the megabytes on this account). I intended this post partially as a warning, because I know some of ya’ll dumb-asses will be in my shoes soon. Here is how I got roped into this shit.

The first time I fucked with Tina was after a New Year’s Eve party around 1998. I was hanging with a crew that had a great disdain for the law, other’s property rights, and responsible hygiene. We was partying hard at some Redneck sport’s bar with a couple of hoes. Sometime around 3 a.m., we decided we would jet downtown to procure some smoke. There was this happening gay club downtown called Honey for the Bears where you could score anything you wanted, including a Tyra Banks-lookalike tranny knob-slob in the third stall (Tyra would pitch a tent in her mini-skirt halfway through).

We all bailed up into the joint and I headed off to a back room where I knew where a ganja dealer named Bilbo conducted business. He wasn’t there, but a couple of fat bald-headed queens (sans their typical wigs) was sitting in the corner giggling. One of them had a big roll of flesh hanging where his head met his neck (kinda reminding me of unflattened pizza dough). The other priss-monkey had on 50 lbs. of cheap-ass costume jewelry and smelled like a fried turd slathered in Chanel No. 5 perfume.

I asked Pizza-Neck and Turd-Blossom where Bilbo was and they motioned me to sit down. The last thing I wanted was to get hooked up in some 3-way ball-tickling with a couple of tricked-up bears, but I needed my THC. Digiorno told me that Bilbo got popped for a failure to appear warrant and that he had taken over his business until he got back from lockup.


Next, he told me something that after hearing it, I should have exercised caution and immediately left. Digiorno told me he would smoke me out if I tried this special new shit from Texas that he had scored recently. Johnnypeepers (ever the eternal dipshit who throws life-sustaining caution and common sense to the wind) agreed to give it a try. He handed a fanny-pack to Turd-Blossom and we headed off to the pisser to fire that shit up. We went in the last stall, locked the door, and lit up a purple-colored 8-armed Vishnu glass-dick. I took a deep puff and remember feeling instant eye-popping exhilaration – kind of like being in one of them hang-gliders that hits a fast rising air-bank propelling you high into the dope-brained stratosphere.

I remember being in the stall with Turd-Blossom and feeling faint as a mofo. All I can recall is not wanting to pass out – because I knew TB would swab out my mouth with his man-meat if I went unconscious. Luckily, it did not come to that, and I regained my senses. I remember saying, “damn yo, I need a quarter of that shit.” TB said that I could get a gram of what he called “Tweak” for $120. Knowing that me, and what I had just smoked, needed to get to know each other better, I exited the stall and hit the ATM down the street to get the duckets.

When I got back to the booth, the queens was chilling out and eating a big-ass plate of nachos covered with jalapenos. I threw the bread on the table and Digiorno slipped a little packet in my front jeans pocket (making sure he felt the bulbous tip of my purple-headed warrior). I scooted the fuck out with the quickness and gathered up my peeps telling them that Bilbo got popped and the score was a bust. We cruised out after I complained that I needed to crash because my head was spinning from the tequila shots we had just taken. But in fact, I really wanted to fire that shit up again in the safety of my own confines with no interference. When I got home, I smoked three-quarters of the bag and passed out in the bathtub with the water running.

Hopefully, this before-and-after shot of a once respectable God-fearing American will act as a warning to those who are contemplating the trudge down my ill-conceived Crank-chasing path.


Is it that you hate this president or that you hate America? – Sean Vanity

17 Responses to “Johnnypeeper’s Introduction to Crystal Meth”

  1. December 19, 2007 at 10:28 pm

    I can’t tell if this is for real or not. I either way, kudos.


  2. December 20, 2007 at 2:03 pm

    dude, i absolsutely love your blog. keep up the great work. I enjoyed it so much that I think I will add you to my blog roll. feel free to swing by sometime and have a look.

  3. December 20, 2007 at 8:47 pm

    Thank you both chippy and BFM. Your kind words give me the strength to trudge on, despite my ravishing addictions and mental impairment. Without gentle souls such as yourself, I would be a water-logged chunk of driftwood floating aimlessly in the middle of the Pacific Ocean.

  4. December 21, 2007 at 9:01 pm

    An outstanding post. Very real, which is what is so scary about it. To people who don’t know, it sounds like fiction… It’s a whole different world.

    Keep up the good fight, man!

    Johnnypeeper’s response:

    Thank you kindly. The ridiculous “War on Drugs” is a CIA front operation to gather intelligence and undermine our “enemies” on foreign soil. Google Oliver North and Manuel Noriega for some good reading. If our politicians really cared about this crisis, they would dedicate the billions used in these covert actions to addiction treatment for U.S. citizens.

  5. 5 Elizabeth Fairbanks
    December 27, 2007 at 9:50 am

    arclightzero: I did blow off a hooker’s thighs. What do you think about that?

  6. December 27, 2007 at 5:43 pm

    it depends on how hot she was…

  7. December 29, 2007 at 9:40 am

    excellent post. You have written it very well indeed. This hits close to home for me. I have a couple of friends who are hooked on the crap. Your before/after photos could be them.

    Ive tried it, more than once. Fortunately for me, I am sort of a hyper person by nature and the added energy was not something that made me feel good…..

    This stuff can ruin someone overnight……

    Thanks for writing about meth, there are a lot of people who have no clue about it.

  8. January 3, 2008 at 8:03 am

    Really nice piece!
    As a Dutchman, it is inconceivable to me that one would go out to buy some weed, and end up trying meth. Still, I can imagine the situation very well, and it makes a nice (if somewhat cartoony) read.

    Johnnypeeper’s response:

    Gimme a friggen break Dutchie! Just like it is “inconceivable” that one might step out for a few pints and end up smoking a spliff for the first time. Take your haughty European drug-morality elsewhere you hoser.

  9. 9 chipfaced
    January 6, 2008 at 2:57 pm

    You really are one sick motherfucker. I knew Hunter Thompson very well and thought he was sick. But you take it. Nice writing. Good luck.

    Johnnypeeper’s response:

    Thanks Chippy, I dunno what to say. That is more of a compliment than you will ever know.

  10. 10 Stijn
    January 7, 2008 at 1:09 pm

    Yeah, distinguishing between the different drugs out there is a tough one.
    But don’t worry Johnny, your backwards country will get over this stage in a couple of generations, and we might just be able to communicate as equals.

  11. 11 jean
    December 4, 2009 at 1:26 am

    Why the obvious fake photos? There are plenty of real photos to make your point.

  12. December 4, 2009 at 7:05 pm


    In order to generate asinine comments from reactionary morons.

  13. 13 Chad Fleming
    October 29, 2011 at 3:32 pm

    This would be a good article if the before and after picture was real. It is just a poorly photo shopped picture that even the most untrained eye could tell it is fake. For future If your going to photo shop a picture don’t have the before picture to start out as the after picture.

  14. 14 Anonymous
    February 21, 2012 at 2:07 am

    Well that’s fake.

  15. 15 Anonymous
    February 24, 2012 at 2:47 am

    Lmfao the picture is clearly edited and I have a hard time believing all the details in your story.. As for the meat and bones of the story, sounds believable.

  16. 16 piluca
    October 28, 2012 at 7:56 am

    The obvious fake photograph deters credibility on the story………and your grammar is appalling!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

Johnny Peepers

----> is a socio-pathetic degenerate with a penchant for cheap booze, ruphy-laden broads, and dim sum soup.


Blog Stats

  • 1,161,326 hits


%d bloggers like this: