Helpful Advice From Tommy Toilet

Artwork by the genius Robert Crumb

27 Responses to “Helpful Advice From Tommy Toilet”

  1. June 25, 2008 at 10:56 pm

    hahahahah! LOL… i think we should wash it not only wipe it!

  2. 2 missalyss
    June 25, 2008 at 11:19 pm

    Haha, I like this. Thanks for the earlier advice – I actually did yoga for awhile and then the sounds of old people farting mid meditation was a little hard to handle, though pretty funny. I think I need to just wear a giant hamster ball around my body.. that should protect me! Thanks for reading!

  3. June 26, 2008 at 2:29 pm

    Always a pleasure to see your humor come out. yes indeed I have two other sites, http://www.theadvicegirl.wordpress.com and http://www.thesportsgirl.wordpress.com. I am quite busy as you see, lol. I am feeling much better thank you. V

  4. 4 dummidumbwit
    June 27, 2008 at 12:25 am

    If I start wiping my ass, and getting someplace with women I won’t have anything to bitch about and I’d stop blogging and what the hell would happen then. That’s scary, I might be happy, no way man not me never not in a million years I like the way I is!!

  5. June 27, 2008 at 8:38 am

    Hey J PEEPS, this was funny.

    Unfortunately, there are some people who could actually benefit from shit like this. They’ve walked by me and I breathed in completely NOT anticipating the olfactory assault of odoriferous vileness and was convinced they needed remedial wiping lessons.

    My question is this: for those who don’t wipe or don’t wipe well, is it a matter of lack of dexterity…a minimalized Matt Roloff reach OR….do they suffer from don’t give a shit hygiene???

    I shall ponder pedantically all fucking weekend.


  6. 6 Manco
    June 27, 2008 at 12:13 pm

    Way to go Peepers: you’ve kickstarted a forum for those above the age of 10 who still find scatological humor amusing. As if we’re not inundated with this garbage on a daily basis in this country. Good job.

    And, not to be picky, but the name of the artist is Robert Crumb or R. Crumb, not Art Crumb. Maybe you were reading Crumb comics while listening to Art Garfunkel, I don’t know, but you may want to edit your post before some rabid Crumb fan comes along and gives you shit for it.

  7. June 27, 2008 at 1:49 pm

    perhaps a blog on the importance of Deoderant?

  8. 8 dummidumbwit
    June 27, 2008 at 2:04 pm

    I was kidding, but some people do it on purpose as a defense mechanism and they probably need therapy or someone to love them anyway if this is possible, maybe two really malodorous types are the next Tracy and Hepburn or the stinky Dick and Liz?

  9. June 27, 2008 at 4:40 pm

    NONO: That is the majority position, but not everyone has the luxury of clean running water, wash cloths, or baby wipes.

    MISSALYSS: I agree, crusty old bastards emitting noxious rectal fumage would puncture my chakra wheel tires. Thanks for stopping by.

    VERONICAROMM: It is always a pleasure to let it come out. Best wishes on your new blogs. There can never be enough good advice or sports analysis in this World.

    DUMMIDUMBWIT: Yeah, having a clean bum can really muck up the works. At least you have a clearly justified reason for smelling like ass all day long.

    LAURIE KENDRICK: You sure you weren’t getting a whiff of upper lip putridity? I think the cats you mention suffer from a lack of basic training. Most of the dookie-britches crowd were abandoned in crummy daycares as babies and their turd brownies weren’t scrapped from their arses until 5 minutes before mommy showed up. I think it is a Freudian thing.

    MANCO: I am just contributing to the demand-driven cultural slipstream holmes. Thanks for the correction. I knew I kept your pus-dribbling mug around here for a reason.

    CRUXANDFLUX: I wouldn’t know wot to say about it, I do not wear deodorant. I don’t even use soap with any scents in them (coconut oil and vegetable glycerin only).

  10. June 29, 2008 at 8:33 am

    what do you mean by not everyone has the luxury of clean water? ;P i am sorry Johnny cus in Malaysia most of people wash it especially the Muslims. I am taking about Malaysian Muslims and I am not sure about Muslims in other countries. ;P

    is it so hard to get clean water in NY?
    LOL! okay, i am sorry for sounding a lil bit stupid here.. =(

  11. June 29, 2008 at 6:08 pm

    Half the world’s population is living in unsanitary conditions without access to clean water, according to a UN-backed report.

    My Muslim friend from Senegal ate with his left hand only. He said the custom in his country was to preserve the right hand for cleaning one’s bum after bowel movements.

    Most municipal water is filled with dangerous chemicals and hormones and pharmaceutical residue. I only use spring and distilled water for drinking, tooth brushing, or #2 clean up duties. I am planning on using corn cobs instead of toilet paper because the chlorine in the paper.

  12. 12 dummidumbwit
    June 29, 2008 at 9:22 pm

    Down here on the farm, we used to dip corncobs in carbontetrachloride and wipes cats and dogs bums with them cause they looked so funny scooting around trying to wipe the stuff off, I disn’t do this personally mind you just watched.

  13. 13 Manco
    June 30, 2008 at 12:43 pm

    Congratulations, Johnny: Dummi here proves that your blog is nothing if not universal in its ability to pull in intelligent, thoughtful people as well as the stupid, clueless human stains of the world such as Dummi.
    Again, I have to point an accusatory finger towards the content of this post, which was guaranteed from the beginning to attract the lowest common denominator. You should be ashamed, sir.

  14. 14 dummidumbwit
    June 30, 2008 at 8:29 pm

    Clueless human stains of the world unite, we have nothing to lose but our minds!

  15. July 1, 2008 at 1:01 am

    Manco: Until you are able to gather the testicular fortitude to discard your anonymity, and provide a link to your own shit-can of a blog, I could give a fuck less about your opinion. Until that occurrence, suck on a vein-filled meatsicle you bloody rectal torpedo.

    dummidumbwit: Speak for yourself. It is incredibly apparent to me that your skull has been vacant for some time now.

  16. July 2, 2008 at 10:06 am

    Yes! I have seen Manco’s comments here and there. They are often testy and insulting as I recall. Yet he gives no link back to his stuff (if he has any). He dishes then hides. What is with that?

    Whenever I use my shower I think how fortunate I am to have it. Too much of this world is lacking in basic hygiene infrastructure – people shitting in open ditches and washing in slime. I guess they are waiting for the trickle-down to reach their sorry existence.

  17. 17 Manco
    July 2, 2008 at 11:51 am

    Johnny & Qazse: My identity is not important; my words speak volumes. The less you know about me, the better for you. I don’t like people knowing about me, in fact I don’t like it when anyone knows about me.
    Qazse: if my comments bother you why don’t you go watch The Golden Girls and eat a tub of ice cream. This is big time. One thing I’ve always respected about this site – yes, respected – is that the appropriate amount of rage was always accepted, if not expected.
    Lately, Johnny’s been too preoccupied with his group hugging bullshit to fondly embrace that aspect, but it’s there. It’s apparent in his response to my last comment. He needs people like me to offer my own unique perspective; otherwise his site will fall to the sycophantic, flower-smelling ninnies that have been flocking here in droves to stroke ol’ Johnny’s devestated dome and his flaming ego. Introduce a little anarchy. Upset the established order.

  18. July 2, 2008 at 2:19 pm

    I don’t want to know about you. I just say, strap on a set and open your work up for others to see. Or maybe you have nothing to offer except vitriol. But I think otherwise.

  19. July 2, 2008 at 6:48 pm

    MANCO: I don’t like you. It’s not that I don’t like you, I just think you are silly. The only anarchy that you have ever introduced is a spastic colon in your mum during her botched Clorox turkey baster injection abortion.

    You hate what you do not understand. Primarily, intelligent people with compassion and love in their hearts for their fellow travelers. Thank you for serving as a living reminder of the malignant growth currently infecting the body of mankind. Without slugs like you populating the landscape, I wouldn’t be able to distinguish the beautiful souls as easily.

  20. 20 Manco
    July 3, 2008 at 11:04 am

    Johnny: Insults generally need to contain less than 23 words to truly make an impact, fuck-head. I know you want these wretched souls who visit this shit stain to think you’re a God, but you’re trying too hard, little buddy. Pare the insults down to a few words to make the maximum impact. For example: Fuck off, you blithering, self-righteous idiot.

    Intelligent people with compassion and love in their hearts….hooo hooo hahaha hahah hoo hoo heheh heheh. Don’t make me puke. You have far too much faith in your precious human race, dear sir.
    Johnny, if the chips were down, all of these butt-sniffing worshipers you cling to so hard would eat you alive. They would plunge the blade deep into your shoulder until you were at the level of their feet where they could then kick you into oblivion. The human race is, largely, made up of degenerate, mindless assholes. How else do you think the world has reached the point of madness that you point out regularly in your posts?

    Qazse: Opening my work up as you call it would reveal too much of myself. Aspects that I am not willing to share with you or anyone else. It would not be safe. Why don’t you devote your empathy to someone else? Someone in need of it.
    And what is wrong with vitriol? Vitriol is a product of emotion. Emotion is a way of remembering you’re alive. When you lash out and strike a wall or someone’s nose, you’re protesting. Vitriol is power. The vitriol allows me to see all and tell the future. Yes, Vitriol is a path to God. And one day vitriol will be accepted as a religion and the people will take back the planet from those who choose to ride upon our backs. So suck it, you floundering, jello-brained fucknut.

    There were these two guys in a lunatic asylum. And one night, one night they decide they don’t like living in an asylum anymore. They decide they’re going to escape! So they get up onto the roof, and there, just across this narrow gap, they see the rooftops of the town, stretching away in the moonlight… stretching away to freedom.

    Now, the first guy, he jumps right across with no problem. But his friend, his friend daredn’t make the leap. Y’see He’s afraid of falling. So then, the first guy has an idea. He says “Hey! I have my flashlight with me! I’ll shine it across the gap between the buildings. You can walk along the beam and join me!”

    But the second guy just shakes his head. He says “Wh-what do you think I am? Crazy? You’d turn it off when I was half way across!”

  21. 21 dummidumbwit
    July 4, 2008 at 3:03 pm

    I’d swear some guy is following my around with an ancient Egptian war club wanting to put a hurting on my ass? Minister Farrakhan hates muddle headed fuzzy brained liberals, but I think he would prefer I remained one for now anyway, as would I.

  22. 22 dummidumbwit
    July 10, 2008 at 11:52 am

    Oh my God, the crazed Egyptian just changed in to a Bro from Michagan and a Metalhead and a milkman. So much for the theory I had, that person has enough material for their own blog that we could visit and make abusive comments on and it would be fun!

  23. July 10, 2008 at 12:09 pm

    dd: Manco doesn’t doesn’t have the intelligence required to build his very own blog. Due to a negligently performed lobotomy, he can only type nonsensical and vitriolic rambling attacks on other people’s blogs. To Manco, vitriol is power – the power to direct hate at others as a self-defense coping mechanism. He is a sad satchel of manure looking for a fist to put his face in.

    As far as you are concerned dd, half the time I do not know what the hell you are talking about. I suspect that many times you make comments before you take your daily Geodon or Haldol dose. Please do not take that as an insult. Sane people are incredibly boring.

  24. 24 dummidumbwit
    July 10, 2008 at 12:12 pm

    none taken, I hardly make sense to me

  25. July 10, 2008 at 11:31 pm

    OMG. I’m tempted to post his one on the restrooms at work! Cool retro hygiene material. I’m gonna pass this one on to the industrial hygienist! Thanks for sharing. Miss ya! PLL, CordieB.

  26. July 13, 2008 at 6:02 pm

    Hey Cordie 🙂 I remember reading in Cosmo a few years back (in the health advice column) about a broad that couldn’t understand why she always had severe rectal itching. The advice columnist said is was probably caused by inefficient post bowel movement wiping and that she probably had fecal debris causing the irritation. I suspect she probably left a wake of nasty odor in her midst. It would probably be a good idea to post that in a few stalls at work. Industrial hygienist? Talk about a cakewalk gig bureaucratic waste of tax-payer money.

  27. July 14, 2008 at 11:27 am

    @Peeps. $85,000 starting pay to remind us to wear a mask and wash our hands. They use a little fecal light detector every now and then to let us know what’s on the bathroom door handles and faucet handles. The report is discusting. Gravy job though!

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Johnny Peepers

----> is a socio-pathetic degenerate with a penchant for cheap booze, ruphy-laden broads, and dim sum soup.


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