Archive for the 'Christianity' Category

28
Sep
10

Johnny Peepers, Clay Aiken, and Jesus

Dillsnap Cogitations reader comment from bespeakme:

The funniest things about this site are the comments from people who appear to actually take this writer seriously- or – am I missing something? I mean are you folks for real? And the absolute funniest part, he affects this surreal and spiritual voice talking about Jesus and not having a job, and he blows his cover when the male element calls him a name like fuck face or ass wipe- and he starts getting all teenage testosteroney and swinging his fists around: “From the looks of your avatar, it is clear that you were stuck down the fat-headed gumshoe Cro-magnon flu.” Nonetheless, fairly entertaining. Hilarious use of the language.

Johnny Peepers is having a bit of a personality crisis as of late. This is only a problem in that he is not sure which direction to take Dillsnap Cogitations. My lifestyle has calmed down considerably and I am not doing nearly the amount of drugs that I used to (due to recent emergency room scares, extreme money woes, and lack of insurance).

I reckon that I dunno what to write about these days. Conspiracy-mongering is so 2008, and the feel-good, New-Agey tripe is even too kooky for me to discourse on with any consistency. I thought about doing vegan recipe reviews or maybe step-by-step instructional blog posts on risque´ topics like booty-bumping and auto-fellation, but I don’t want to scare away my kid readers. I even considered dedicating all future posts to my one true love, Clay Aiken, but that would make me look desperate and stalker-ish in his eyes.

I certainly plan to keep my relationship with Jesus a central focus of Dillsnap Cogitations. Were it not for his supreme sacrifice, all of humanity would be mired in a putrid bucket of sin and depravity (much like the conditions experienced by residents of New Jersey and Mississippi).


Jesus and his vengeful, sky god daddy (YWEH) have a divine plan for me. This plan includes me taking to my knees daily and mouthing pleasing words to the MOST HIGH, prostrating myself before the Lord in diligent obeyance, and ridding my mind of lusty and impure thoughts about men and women that I find sexually attractive. I will do my best to provide frequent updates with regards to the latter. Any advice or blog topic recommendations would be greatly appreciated these days.

Yours in Crisco,

Johnny Peepers

10
Sep
10

Steadfeast Resolve: 9-11 and the War of Terror® (ninth-year anniversary)

Twelve American soldiers face charges over a secret “kill team” that allegedly blew up and shot Afghan civilians at random and collected their fingers as trophies.

Five of the soldiers are charged with murdering three Afghan men who were allegedly killed for sport in separate attacks this year. Seven others are accused of covering up the killings and assaulting a recruit who exposed the murders when he reported other abuses, including members of the unit smoking hashish stolen from civilians.

(source)

Foreign news articles like the one above pose a grave threat to national security in a post-9-11 world and should be censored in the U.S. Not only does this type of propaganda stoke the fire of global anti-American sentiment, but our freedoms and safety are threatened when America’s moral high ground in the execution of the War of Terror® is undermined. Free speech must always yield to the greater interests of national security and idealogical unity.

America is fully justified in taking the battle to the Mohammadan terrorist menace wherever it hides. This justification extends to the killing of non-terrorist men, women, and even little Muslim babies. Though they may technically be classified as non-combatants under international law, those who dwell in and around hotbeds of regional terrorist activity are potential future terrorists, including offspring. The position of slaughtering “gentile babies”  to eliminate future threats is fully supported under Talmudic “halachic” law as expressed by Israeli rabbi, Yitzhak Shapira:

There is justification for killing babies if it is clear that they will grow up to harm us, and in such a situation they may be harmed deliberately, and not only during combat with adults.”

To some this may be an extreme position. I caution those of this mind to remember the events of 9-11 as we enter into the ninth anniversary of patriotic mourning for our fallen heroes. Almost 3,000 of America’s bravest and hardest workers sacrificed their lives when 19 Arab hijackers engaged in a conspiracy to outwit the most sophisticated air defense system in the World, defied previously accepted laws of aerodynamics by flying airplanes into buildings at impossible speeds, and accomplished the incredible feat of knocking down three NYC skyscrapers with only two planes.

Following the 9-11 attacks, patriotic Americans fully supported the invasion and occupation of Afghanistan and Iraq. These military campaigns were necessary to exact brutal revenge on the Muslim people (a.k.a. potential future terrorists) wherever they lived to prevent another 9-11 type attack. Our brave political leaders and fearless generals delivered the Islamisists an undeniable message that terror is absolutely unacceptable under any circumstance. When the terror stops they might get their country back, it’s that simple people!

Some mistakenly argue that since a majority of the 9-11 perpetrators were Saudi Arabians (15 of the 19), including 9-11 terror mastermind Bin Laden (who methodically a plotted the brazen attacks on his laptop in an Afghan cave between his dialysis treatments), the U.S. should have instead bombed Saudi Arabia. Had the U.S. done so, diplomatic relations and countless high-dollar contracts would have been jeopardized. The Bush family, high officials in the Bush (and now Obama) administration, oil and gas corporations, and military defense contractors (who were supplying the Saudis with weapons, missile systems, and critical infrastructure protections) would have suffered severe economic harm as a result of a Saudi invasion. Invading Saudi Arabia would have also likely disrupted oil production leading to skyrocketing gas prices which would have negatively affected the U.S. economy. What’s good for business is good for America.

Muslim countries are pretty much interchangeable as each is a proxy for the overarching terrorist mindset that has infested their religion and culture, thus making it perfectly acceptable to invade any, or all of them. When the terror attacks stop, the U.S. soldiers and corporate mercenaries may or may not come home depending on the attitude of the Muslim people, among other factors (e.g., the full depletion of all natural resources, global opium demand forecasting, oil and gas pipeline completion timetables, and regional stability guaranteeing the safety and secured hegemonic status of our greatest ally, Israel.) In other words, don’t hold your breath, Achmed!

Like it or lump it Muslim people, America is in it for the long haul in the War of Terror®. President Obama has boldly demonstrated his commitment to forcefully restore peace in the Middle East and Afghanistan, and to protect the homeland from crazed jihadists. Through the implementation of innovative homeland security measures (i.e., increased government surveillance, restrictions on free speech,  eroding terrorist friendly 4th Amendment protections, and the deployment of the Internet kill-switch), Obama has put every American back into the national security driver’s seat.

The Clash of Civilizations will result in an eventual victor, and it will not have an Islamic face. Osama bin Laden and his jihadist fly-boys should have thought of that before they single-handedly perpetrated the 9-11 attacks (without any help from the neo-con cabal, rogue members of the military-intelligence community, or foreign intelligence services and their domestic allies). Know this – the Christian/Judeo monotheistic religion tag-team can not, and WILL NOT, be beaten.

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Here is a link to a list of  tin-foil hat conspiracy nuts who question the government’s official position on 9-11. Although they once held high ranking positions in the U.S. government and military, their hatred of America has muddled their critical-thinking faculties. The list of unpatriotic scumbags includes: Max Cleland (former U.S. Senator – GA), Louis Freeh (former FBI Director), General Albert Stubblebine (U.S. Army – Ret), Ray McGovern, and many other unhinged and reality-detached individuals. They put our country at risk by spouting off their idiotic hate America first nonsense. Have pity on their souls, as they are doing the Devil’s work by attacking the Shining City on the Hill (American Providence).

05
Aug
10

The Immaculate Conception/Virgin Birth dogma distinction

I wish to clear up a commonly held misconception regarding the Roman Catholic doctrine known as the Immaculate Conception. A vast number of individuals hold the belief that the IC and the Baby Jesus Virgin Birth are interchangeable historical/mythical events. The late (for what?) and immeasurably great George Carlin recently disabused me of this erroneous notion. The IC and Virgin Birth are distinguished as follows (Wikipedian sources):

The Immaculate Conception is the conception of the Virgin Mary without any stain (“immacula” in Latin) of original sin.  From the first moment of her existence, Mary was preserved by God from the lack of sanctifying grace that afflicts mankind and that she was instead filled with divine grace. It is further said by Catholics that she lived a life completely free from sin [except for that one time in a 8-jet jacuzzi]. Belief in Mary’s immaculate conception in the womb of her mother, through sexual intercourse, should not be confused with the doctrines of the virginal conception of her son Jesus, known as the Annunciation and the Virgin Birth.

The Virgin birth of Jesus is a tenet of Christianity and Islam which holds that Mary miraculously conceived Jesus while remaining a virgin.

The gospels of Matthew and Luke [straight shooters according to their many contemporaries] say that Mary was a virgin and that Jesus was conceived by the Holy Spirit.  These gospels, later tradition and current doctrine present Jesus’ conception as a miracle involving no natural father, no  sexual intercourse, and no male seed in any form, but instead brought about by the Holy Spirit. [Intact hymen + Holy Spirit seed absorption = Jesus.]

22
Jul
10

The Lord’s Prayer (2010 J.P. Update)

Baby Jesus, who art in thy golden fleece manger,

adored be thy emaciated little Middle-eastern frame.

Thy off-planet vengeful tribal deity will be done,

on Pluto as it is on Uranus.

Give us our PlayStation and our TMZ,

and forgive us our Glenn Beck and Sean Hannity,

as we forgive the blowhards who trespass on our minds,

and lead us not into Aristotelian two-valued logic,

but deliver us from soul-crunching miscreants,

for thine is the kingdom,

and the power, and the glory,

forever and ever

Ramen (noodles).

26
Jun
10

Philip K. Dick and the Blessed Sacrament

Excerpted from Philip K. Dick’s 1981 science fiction novel VALIS (chapter 12):

I remembered back to an incident-more than an incident-involving my son Christopher. In March 1974 during the time that VALIS overruled me, held control of my mind, I had conducted a correct and complex initiation of Christopher into the ranks of the immortals. VALIS’s medical knowledge had saved Christopher’s physical life, but VALIS had not ended it there.

This was an experience which I had treasured. It had been in utter stealth, concealed even from my son’s mother.

First I had fixed a mug of hot chocolate. Then I had fixed a hot dog on a bun with the usual trimmings;  Christopher, young as he was, loved hot dogs and warm chocolate.

Seated on the floor in Christopher’s room with him, I-or rather VALIS in me, as me-had played a game. First, I jokingly held the cup of chocolate up, over my son’s head; then, as if by accident, I had splashed warm chocolate on his head, into his hair. Giggling, Christopher had tried to wipe the liquid off; I had of course helped him. Leaning toward him, I had whispered:

“In the name of the Son, the Father, and the Holy Spirit.” No one heard me except Christopher. Now, as I wiped the warm chocolate from my hair, I inscribed the sign of the cross on his forehead. I had now baptized him and now I confirmed him; I did so, not by the authority of the church, but by the authority of the living plasmate in me: VALIS himself. Next I said to my son, “Your secret name, your Christian name, is-” And I told him what it was. Only he and I are ever to know; he an I and VALIS.

Next, I took a bit of bread from the hot dog bun and held it forth; my son-still a baby, really-opened his mouth like a little bird, and I placed the bit of bread on it. We seemed, the two of us, to be sharing a meal; an ordinary simple, common meal.

For some reason it seemed essential-quite crucial-that he take no bite of the hot dog meat itself. Pork could not be eaten under these circumstances; VALIS filled me with this urgent knowledge.

As Christopher started to close his mouth to chew on the bit of bread, I presented him with the mug of warm chocolate. To my surprise-being so young he still drank normally from his bottle, never from a cup-he reached eagerly to take the mug; as he took it, lifted it to his lips and drank from it, I said, “This is my blood and this  is my body.”

My little son drank, and I took the mug back. The greater sacraments had been accomplished. Baptism, then confirmation, then the most holy sacrament of all, the Eucharist: Sacrament of the Lord’s Supper.

“The Blood of out Lord Jesus Christ, which was shed for thee, preserve thy body and soul unto everlasting life. Drink this in remembrance that Christ’s blood was shed for thee, and be thankful.”

This moment is most solemn of all. The priest himself has become Christ who offers his body and blood to the faithful, by a divine miracle.

Most people understand that in he miracle of transubstantiation the wine (or warm chocolate) becomes the Sacred Blood, and the wafer (or bit of hot dog bun) becomes the Sacred Body, but few people even within the churches realize that the figure who stands before them holding the cup is their Lord, living now. Time has been overcome. We are back almost two thousand years: we are not in Santa Ana, California, USA, but in Jerusalem, about 35 C.E.

What I ad seen in March 1974 when I saw the superimposition of ancient Rome and modern California consisted of an actual witnessing of what is normally seen by the inner eyes of faith only.

My double-exposure experience had confirmed the literal – not merely figurative – truth of the miracle of the mass.

As I have said, the technical term for this is anamnesis: the loss of forgetfulness; which is to say, the remembering of the Lord and the Lord’s Supper.

I was present that day, the last time the disciples sat at table. You may believe me; you may not. Sed per spiritum sanctum dico; haec veritas est. Mihi crede et mecum in aeternitate vivebis.

My Latin is probably faulty, but what I am trying to say, haltingly, is: “But I speak by means of the Holy Spirit; that is so. Believe me and you shall live with me in eternity.”

07
May
10

Anti-Gay Industry Shrink Exposed: George “Long Stroke” Rekers RentBoy Revelations

From the Miami New Times:

The male escort hired by anti-gay activist George Alan Rekers has told Miami New Times the Baptist minister is a homosexual who paid him to provide body rubs once a day in the nude, during their ten-day vacation in Europe.

Rekers allegedly named his favorite maneuver the “long stroke” — a complicated caress “across his penis, thigh… and his anus over the butt cheeks,” as the escort puts it. “Rekers liked to be rubbed down there,” he says.

In the past 24 hours, Rekers, a board member at the National Association for Research & Therapy of Homosexuality (NARTH) and cofounder of the Family Research Council, has claimed that he took Lucien to Europe to inspire him to accept Jesus into his heart and renounce his homosexuality.

In addition to his noble goal of saving a Sodomite’s lost soul, Rekers also claimed to have secured the services of Jo-Vanni Roman (aka Lucien) to tote his luggage on the ten-day European trip. Roman’s profile on the gay male prostitute website RentBoy.Com described physical attributes that undoubtedly made him perfect for the job: “smooth, sweet, tight ass” and a “perfectly built 8 inch cock.” I am sure Roman’s pics sealed the deal for Rekers. Amusingly enough, Rekers is the author of a (fictional?) book titled “Growing Up Straight: What Families Should Know About Homosexuality. ” Come out of the closet Georgie, we love for you who you are, not where you stick it!

Reker’s Re-Butt-al (posted on ProfessorGeorge.Wordpress.Com)

10
Mar
10

Why John Wayne Bobbitt is Hellbound

Photo courtesy of The Brick Testament

Deuteronomy 23:1

No one whose testicles are crushed or whose male organ is cut off shall enter the assembly of the LORD.”

The Holy Bible also has a way to deal with junk grabbing bitches:

Deuteronomy 25:11-12

If two men fight together, and the wife of one draws near to rescue her husband from the hand of the one attacking him, and puts out her hand and seizes him by the genitals, then you shall cut off her hand; your eye shall not pity her.





Johnny Peepers

----> is a socio-pathetic degenerate with a penchant for cheap booze, ruphy-laden broads, and dim sum soup.

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