Archive for the 'Humor' Category

05
Oct
10

The Gangsta Rap Lyric Translation/Clarification Game

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To amuse myself, often times I will attempt to translate gangster and misogynist rap music lyrics into academically precise and excessively clinical language. The goal is to clarify the rapper’s intended meaning for the (imaginary) uninitiated, non-urban listener. I also engage in this word substitution game when I overhear people on the street employing urban slang or street talk¹.

Gangsta rap lyrics are immeasurably amusing to translate due to their depth of meaning and emotionally-charged content (often detailing acts of extreme physical violence and barbarous sexual assault crimes committed against women). The purpose of the game is to juxtapose the explicit savagery of the gangsta rap lyric against a sterilized and verbose restatement of the lyric’s content reworded to nullify the inflammatory tone.

As a way of contextualizing this mental activity, I pretend that I am a foreign visitor who is semi-fluent in English (but slang-ignorant). In order to comprehend what I am hearing, I must substitute a large number of the words in order to clarify the content of the gangsta rap lyric. Other times, I imagine myself as a pedantic English professor who is mentally critiquing the rapper. As the professor, I make it my duty to red-line the grammatically offending lyrics since they are an affront to all for which I stand. The professor then silently instructs the rapping dullard on the proper way that he or she should verbally express their tales of criminal exploits and women-hatred.

Below is an example of how I employ the rap music lyric word substitution/clarification technique.
The lyric below is from the Eazy-E song Still Talkin’ and is on the deceased Mr. E’s 1988 debut album, Eazy-Duz-It (the complete lyrics to Still Talkin’ and many other fine Eazy-E songs can be found here).

Psychopathic, but the hoes are attracted

Because, when I’m on hard, my dicks at least a yard

First line translation/clarification:

Despite the fact that I have a personality disorder characterized by an abnormal lack of empathy combined with strongly amoral conduct but masked by an ability to appear outwardly normal, prostitutes with little or no monetary focus find me sexually appealing.

Second line translation/clarification:

The aforementioned women find me sexually appealing for the reason that when the two tubular structures that run the length of my penis, the corpora cavernosa, become engorged with venous blood (due to a complex interaction of psychological, neural, vascular and endocrine factors occurring before and during exposure to sexually-arousing stimuli), the welling, hardening and enlargement of my penis results in an erection that measures a full three feet (thirty-six inches) in length.

ΦΦΦΦΦΦΦΦΦΦΦΦΦΦΦΦΦΦΦΦΦΦΦΦΦΦΦΦΦΦΦΦΦΦΦΦΦΦΦΦΦΦΦΦΦΦΦΦΦΦΦΦΦΦΦΦΦΦΦΦ

¹ For instance, when I am in a bodega buying my daily lottery ticket and I overhear an urban outdoorsman request that the cashier “gimme a loosey”, I know that the gentleman is directing the store clerk to reach behind the counter and retrieve a single cigarette from a broken pack to sell him at an inflated price. Although this is an illegal act, the clerk recognizes that market forces of supply and demand in an underground economy will ultimately determine the store’s financial survival (and more importantly – his/her job security). The store clerk’s tacit agreement with the gentleman and his/her willingness to complete this illegal transaction occurs notwithstanding the minimal threat of a criminal conviction (with its attendant fines and/or period of incarceration).

Related posts:

https://dillsnapcogitation.wordpress.com/2008/11/08/in-loving-memory-of-eric-eazy-e-wright/

https://dillsnapcogitation.wordpress.com/2008/07/16/my-mind-is-playing-tricks-on-me-geto-boys/

05
Sep
10

Dragon*Con 2010 – Atlanta, GA USA

Johnny Peepers had the opportunity to snap a few photos at Dragon*Con this weekend. The annual Atlanta Sci-Fi/Fantasy freakfest is a scene to behold. Don’t take my word for it, judge for yourself. The following shots are from the parade on Saturday morning.

During the parade, your diligent and law enforcement-minded photographer witnessed a police officer repeatedly spitting tobacco juice in the street near small children. After reviewing Georgia law and local statutes, it appears that the officer was well within his rights to forcefully project saliva from his mouth onto a pubic street. The photo on the right is the product of the aforementioned bodily fluid expulsion.

Soon after the parade, I encountered a small unit of hardcore fundie holy-rollers. These cats were heaven-bent on saving some at-risk souls.  The old dude in the photo below was screaming about how America’s leaders were going to hell because they were doing the Devil’s work. I asked him if George W. Bush was going to hell and he said “yes, but that he still has time to repent.” I got a real chuckle out of that. Also, for the record, Psalm 9:17 don’t say shit about no barbecues.

The  following chaps were singled out for their individuality. I respectfully requested that they submit themselves to my camera for a permanent place in the historical record.

Boba Fett as a fat redneck and the ‘lil Aryan bootleg-era gangster deserve a shout-out.

Pops on the left (below) wanted to know why I wanted to photograph him because he was “just a taxi driver”. I told him he was so square that he was hip.  I requested that he say “steel magnolias” right before the snap. He got a kick out of that. The fellow on the right had Hunter S. Thompson’s look and mannerisms down pat. He was a bit impatient with me, as he had numerous powders to snort and large caliber guns to discharge.


31
Jul
10

Trotsky Was A Black Man…Step!

Lev Davidovich Bronstein (a.k.a. Leon Trotsky) and his adorable high-yaller child Nina (beautiful looks and kink-kontrol courtesy of Bronner Bros. Extra-Strength No-Lye Hair Relaxer)

27
Jun
10

Get Well Soon…Dick!

The 69-year-old Republican, who has had five heart attacks in 32 years, was said to be suffering “discomfort” and was taken to hospital for further testing.

A statement issued by his office said: “Former vice president Cheney was not feeling well and was seen this afternoon by his doctors in their offices at George Washington University. “On the advice of his physicians, he was admitted to the hospital for further testing. “He is expected to remain in the hospital over the weekend.”

He suffered his fifth heart attack in February and has undergone quadruple bypass surgery and two artery-clearing angioplasties. He has also twice been treated with electrical shocks for atrial fibrillation, an abnormal heart rhythm that places him at risk of a stroke if not treated. (Source)

21
May
10

Extreme High School Bullying (The Story of Poop Dick)

Life lesson #2,392: Never broker a deal with high school bullies that results in having the words “Poop Dick” tattooed on your ass.

Source: The Smoking Gun

MAY 20–A 14-year-old New Hampshire boy was tattooed against his will by a group of fellow high school students who told the victim that they would no longer pick on him if he agreed to the inking. According to an arrest warrant affidavit, on May 10 the teenager was enticed to a Concord home, where the words “Poop Dick” and a drawing of a penis were tattooed across his buttocks. The boy told investigators that one of his assailants warned that “he was going to get the tattoo whether he liked it or not,” and that “he would not be picked on anymore if he got it done.” When the boy asked what would happen if he tried to flee, he was told that he would be caught and beaten up, police reported.

The victim, a ninth grader at Concord High School, suffers from “learning disabilities and self-esteem issues” and has been “frequently targeted for ridicule by upper classmen,” investigators noted. A probe of the bullying incident led to the seizure of the tattoo equipment used on the boy, and the bust of four of the victim’s assailants, who have been charged with a variety of crimes, including assault, endangering the welfare of a minor, criminal threatening, and tattooing without a license.

As seen in the mug shots below, police have arrested (clockwise from upper left) Donald Wyman, 20; Ryan Fisk, 19; Travis Johnston, 18; and Blake VanNest, 18. A fifth attacker, who is 15, is also expected to be charged. None of the arrestees actually knew the victim’s name, referring to him in police interviews as “Poop Dick” or “Spiderman,” a nickname he was given after he once wore a Spiderman hat to school.

07
May
10

Anti-Gay Industry Shrink Exposed: George “Long Stroke” Rekers RentBoy Revelations

From the Miami New Times:

The male escort hired by anti-gay activist George Alan Rekers has told Miami New Times the Baptist minister is a homosexual who paid him to provide body rubs once a day in the nude, during their ten-day vacation in Europe.

Rekers allegedly named his favorite maneuver the “long stroke” — a complicated caress “across his penis, thigh… and his anus over the butt cheeks,” as the escort puts it. “Rekers liked to be rubbed down there,” he says.

In the past 24 hours, Rekers, a board member at the National Association for Research & Therapy of Homosexuality (NARTH) and cofounder of the Family Research Council, has claimed that he took Lucien to Europe to inspire him to accept Jesus into his heart and renounce his homosexuality.

In addition to his noble goal of saving a Sodomite’s lost soul, Rekers also claimed to have secured the services of Jo-Vanni Roman (aka Lucien) to tote his luggage on the ten-day European trip. Roman’s profile on the gay male prostitute website RentBoy.Com described physical attributes that undoubtedly made him perfect for the job: “smooth, sweet, tight ass” and a “perfectly built 8 inch cock.” I am sure Roman’s pics sealed the deal for Rekers. Amusingly enough, Rekers is the author of a (fictional?) book titled “Growing Up Straight: What Families Should Know About Homosexuality. ” Come out of the closet Georgie, we love for you who you are, not where you stick it!

Reker’s Re-Butt-al (posted on ProfessorGeorge.Wordpress.Com)

28
Apr
10

PowerPoint Spaghetti Undermines Victory in The War of Terror


“The war is not meant to be won, it is meant to be continuous. Hierarchical society is only possible on the basis of poverty and ignorance. This new version is the past and no different past can ever have existed. In principle the war effort is always planned to keep society on the brink of starvation. The war is waged by the ruling group against its own subjects and its object is not the victory over either Eurasia or East Asia, but to keep the very structure of society intact.”
~ George Orwell

“War is a racket. It is the only one international in scope. It is the only one in which the profits are reckoned in dollars and the losses in lives.”

~ Major General D. Smedley (USMC)

Hat tip to Cryptogon for directing attention to this New York Times article:

WASHINGTON — Gen. Stanley A. McChrystal, the leader of American and NATO forces in Afghanistan, was shown a PowerPoint slide in Kabul last summer that was meant to portray the complexity of American military strategy, but looked more like a bowl of spaghetti.

“When we understand that slide, we’ll have won the war,” General McChrystal dryly remarked, one of his advisers recalled, as the room erupted in laughter.

The slide has since bounced around the Internet as an example of a military tool that has spun out of control. Like an insurgency, PowerPoint has crept into the daily lives of military commanders and reached the level of near obsession. The amount of time expended on PowerPoint, the Microsoft presentation program of computer-generated charts, graphs and bullet points, has made it a running joke in the Pentagon and in Iraq and Afghanistan.

“PowerPoint makes us stupid,” Gen. James N. Mattis of the Marine Corps, the Joint Forces commander, said this month at a military conference in North Carolina. (He spoke without PowerPoint.) Brig. Gen. H. R. McMaster, who banned PowerPoint presentations when he led the successful effort to secure the northern Iraqi city of Tal Afar in 2005, followed up at the same conference by likening PowerPoint to an internal threat.

“It’s dangerous because it can create the illusion of understanding and the illusion of control,” General McMaster said in a telephone interview afterward. “Some problems in the world are not bullet-izable.”

Commanders say that behind all the PowerPoint jokes are serious concerns that the program stifles discussion, critical thinking and thoughtful decision-making. Not least, it ties up junior officers — referred to as PowerPoint Rangers — in the daily preparation of slides, be it for a Joint Staff meeting in Washington or for a platoon leader’s pre-mission combat briefing in a remote pocket of Afghanistan.

Last year when a military Web site, Company Command, asked an Army platoon leader in Iraq, Lt. Sam Nuxoll, how he spent most of his time, he responded, “Making PowerPoint slides.” When pressed, he said he was serious.

“I have to make a storyboard complete with digital pictures, diagrams and text summaries on just about anything that happens,” Lieutenant Nuxoll told the Web site. “Conduct a key leader engagement? Make a storyboard. Award a microgrant? Make a storyboard.”

Senior officers say the program does come in handy when the goal is not imparting information, as in briefings for reporters [many a truth is buried in a throwaway line at the end of a disinfo rag article].

The news media sessions often last 25 minutes, with 5 minutes left at the end for questions from anyone still awake. Those types of PowerPoint presentations, Dr. Hammes said, are known as “hypnotizing chickens.”






Johnny Peepers

----> is a socio-pathetic degenerate with a penchant for cheap booze, ruphy-laden broads, and dim sum soup.

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