Archive for the 'Life' Category
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To amuse myself, often times I will attempt to translate gangster and misogynist rap music lyrics into academically precise and excessively clinical language. The goal is to clarify the rapper’s intended meaning for the (imaginary) uninitiated, non-urban listener. I also engage in this word substitution game when I overhear people on the street employing urban slang or street talk¹.
Gangsta rap lyrics are immeasurably amusing to translate due to their depth of meaning and emotionally-charged content (often detailing acts of extreme physical violence and barbarous sexual assault crimes committed against women). The purpose of the game is to juxtapose the explicit savagery of the gangsta rap lyric against a sterilized and verbose restatement of the lyric’s content reworded to nullify the inflammatory tone.
As a way of contextualizing this mental activity, I pretend that I am a foreign visitor who is semi-fluent in English (but slang-ignorant). In order to comprehend what I am hearing, I must substitute a large number of the words in order to clarify the content of the gangsta rap lyric. Other times, I imagine myself as a pedantic English professor who is mentally critiquing the rapper. As the professor, I make it my duty to red-line the grammatically offending lyrics since they are an affront to all for which I stand. The professor then silently instructs the rapping dullard on the proper way that he or she should verbally express their tales of criminal exploits and women-hatred.
Below is an example of how I employ the rap music lyric word substitution/clarification technique.
The lyric below is from the Eazy-E song Still Talkin’ and is on the deceased Mr. E’s 1988 debut album, Eazy-Duz-It (the complete lyrics to Still Talkin’ and many other fine Eazy-E songs can be found here).
Psychopathic, but the hoes are attracted
Because, when I’m on hard, my dicks at least a yard
First line translation/clarification:
Despite the fact that I have a personality disorder characterized by an abnormal lack of empathy combined with strongly amoral conduct but masked by an ability to appear outwardly normal, prostitutes with little or no monetary focus find me sexually appealing.
Second line translation/clarification:
The aforementioned women find me sexually appealing for the reason that when the two tubular structures that run the length of my penis, the corpora cavernosa, become engorged with venous blood (due to a complex interaction of psychological, neural, vascular and endocrine factors occurring before and during exposure to sexually-arousing stimuli), the welling, hardening and enlargement of my penis results in an erection that measures a full three feet (thirty-six inches) in length.
¹ For instance, when I am in a bodega buying my daily lottery ticket and I overhear an urban outdoorsman request that the cashier “gimme a loosey”, I know that the gentleman is directing the store clerk to reach behind the counter and retrieve a single cigarette from a broken pack to sell him at an inflated price. Although this is an illegal act, the clerk recognizes that market forces of supply and demand in an underground economy will ultimately determine the store’s financial survival (and more importantly – his/her job security). The store clerk’s tacit agreement with the gentleman and his/her willingness to complete this illegal transaction occurs notwithstanding the minimal threat of a criminal conviction (with its attendant fines and/or period of incarceration).
Dillsnap Cogitations reader comment from bespeakme:
The funniest things about this site are the comments from people who appear to actually take this writer seriously- or – am I missing something? I mean are you folks for real? And the absolute funniest part, he affects this surreal and spiritual voice talking about Jesus and not having a job, and he blows his cover when the male element calls him a name like fuck face or ass wipe- and he starts getting all teenage testosteroney and swinging his fists around: “From the looks of your avatar, it is clear that you were stuck down the fat-headed gumshoe Cro-magnon flu.” Nonetheless, fairly entertaining. Hilarious use of the language.
Johnny Peepers is having a bit of a personality crisis as of late. This is only a problem in that he is not sure which direction to take Dillsnap Cogitations. My lifestyle has calmed down considerably and I am not doing nearly the amount of drugs that I used to (due to recent emergency room scares, extreme money woes, and lack of insurance).
I reckon that I dunno what to write about these days. Conspiracy-mongering is so 2008, and the feel-good, New-Agey tripe is even too kooky for me to discourse on with any consistency. I thought about doing vegan recipe reviews or maybe step-by-step instructional blog posts on risque´ topics like booty-bumping and auto-fellation, but I don’t want to scare away my kid readers. I even considered dedicating all future posts to my one true love, Clay Aiken, but that would make me look desperate and stalker-ish in his eyes.
I certainly plan to keep my relationship with Jesus a central focus of Dillsnap Cogitations. Were it not for his supreme sacrifice, all of humanity would be mired in a putrid bucket of sin and depravity (much like the conditions experienced by residents of New Jersey and Mississippi).
Jesus and his vengeful, sky god daddy (YWEH) have a divine plan for me. This plan includes me taking to my knees daily and mouthing pleasing words to the MOST HIGH, prostrating myself before the Lord in diligent obeyance, and ridding my mind of lusty and impure thoughts about men and women that I find sexually attractive. I will do my best to provide frequent updates with regards to the latter. Any advice or blog topic recommendations would be greatly appreciated these days.
Yours in Crisco,
Johnny Peepers had the opportunity to snap a few photos at Dragon*Con this weekend. The annual Atlanta Sci-Fi/Fantasy freakfest is a scene to behold. Don’t take my word for it, judge for yourself. The following shots are from the parade on Saturday morning.
During the parade, your diligent and law enforcement-minded photographer witnessed a police officer repeatedly spitting tobacco juice in the street near small children. After reviewing Georgia law and local statutes, it appears that the officer was well within his rights to forcefully project saliva from his mouth onto a pubic street. The photo on the right is the product of the aforementioned bodily fluid expulsion.
Soon after the parade, I encountered a small unit of hardcore fundie holy-rollers. These cats were heaven-bent on saving some at-risk souls. The old dude in the photo below was screaming about how America’s leaders were going to hell because they were doing the Devil’s work. I asked him if George W. Bush was going to hell and he said “yes, but that he still has time to repent.” I got a real chuckle out of that. Also, for the record, Psalm 9:17 don’t say shit about no barbecues.
The following chaps were singled out for their individuality. I respectfully requested that they submit themselves to my camera for a permanent place in the historical record.
Boba Fett as a fat redneck and the ‘lil Aryan bootleg-era gangster deserve a shout-out.
Pops on the left (below) wanted to know why I wanted to photograph him because he was “just a taxi driver”. I told him he was so square that he was hip. I requested that he say “steel magnolias” right before the snap. He got a kick out of that. The fellow on the right had Hunter S. Thompson’s look and mannerisms down pat. He was a bit impatient with me, as he had numerous powders to snort and large caliber guns to discharge.
(CNN) –If you plan on going to Kure Beach, North Carolina, bring your sunscreen and shades, but please leave your thong behind. The seaside community has adopted a zero tolerance policy on anyone wearing the barely-there bikini by the shore on their part of North Carolina’s Pleasure Island, just south of Wilmington.
“You can do what you want to in your own space,” said Mayor Dean Lambeth, “but for public decency, keep it off the public beach.” Lambeth told CNN he and the town supervisors last week unanimously approved the ordinance banning the skimpy bathing wear. “Everything we do is family oriented. We like the small town atmosphere,” he said.
Section 12-32 of the Code of the Town of Kure Beach, which was adopted on April 22, makes it illegal “for any person being naked or insufficiently clothed … to bathe or swim in the Atlantic Ocean” or any other area within the town’s jurisdiction. Sun-bathing “naked or insufficiently clothed” is also banned. “Thong bathing suits or similar attire are specifically prohibited,” the code says. Anyone wearing a thong on the beach will be fined $25.
Lambeth said reaction to the no-thong policy has been overwhelmingly positive. “I have gotten probably 100 e-mails from all over the U.S. supporting our stance,” he told CNN. “I’m getting calls from New York, California that they are glad somebody is finally taking a stand for public decency.”
Lambeth, who said Kure Beach’s population swells from 2,500 to 11,000 in the summer, described the town as “nice, slow-mo and conservative.” “We’re just a small southern community, and that’s how we’re going to keep it,” he said.
He also suspected the decision on the thongs could end up in court and blamed liberals for that. “You can file a suit — the way this country is leaning so far left, it wouldn’t surprise me,” he said. “They want to challenge it? They want to spend the money? Go for it.” Lambeth said people can wear thongs in their homes and backyards. And with his policy in place, he told CNN he’s content.
“I’m sitting out here looking at the ocean and don’t see a damn thong in sight.”
Source: Washington Post (corporate media propagandist outlet)
Federal health officials are investigating the first hints of any possible significant complications from the H1N1 vaccine, but stressed that the concerns will probably turn out to be a false alarm.
The latest analysis of data has detected what could be a somewhat elevated rate of Guillain-Barré syndrome, which can cause paralysis and death; Bell’s palsy, a temporary facial paralysis; and thrombocytopenia, which is a low level of blood platelets, officials reported Friday.
Officials stressed that it is far too early to know whether the vaccine was increasing the risk of those conditions or whether there is some other explanation, such as doctors identifying more cases because of the intensive effort to pinpoint any safety problems with the vaccine.
Federal “officials” stress that the early reports will probably turn out to be a false alarm. These are the same officials whose job security is dependent on protecting the pharmaceutical industrial complex where they cut their pointy little teeth. The next quote calls into question the prophetic skills of these ethically compromised, corporate pawn, bureaucrats.
“We’re at the first step of determining whether there is a problem,” Guthrie S. Birkhead, who chairs the Health and Human Services Department’s National Vaccine Advisory Committee. “There’s a lot more work to determine whether there is.”
The vaccine was administered to 350 million to 400 million people worldwide, including as many as 80 million Americans, as part of an unprecedented response to the first flu pandemic in decades.
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