Posts Tagged ‘Jesus

28
Sep
10

Johnny Peepers, Clay Aiken, and Jesus

Dillsnap Cogitations reader comment from bespeakme:

The funniest things about this site are the comments from people who appear to actually take this writer seriously- or – am I missing something? I mean are you folks for real? And the absolute funniest part, he affects this surreal and spiritual voice talking about Jesus and not having a job, and he blows his cover when the male element calls him a name like fuck face or ass wipe- and he starts getting all teenage testosteroney and swinging his fists around: “From the looks of your avatar, it is clear that you were stuck down the fat-headed gumshoe Cro-magnon flu.” Nonetheless, fairly entertaining. Hilarious use of the language.

Johnny Peepers is having a bit of a personality crisis as of late. This is only a problem in that he is not sure which direction to take Dillsnap Cogitations. My lifestyle has calmed down considerably and I am not doing nearly the amount of drugs that I used to (due to recent emergency room scares, extreme money woes, and lack of insurance).

I reckon that I dunno what to write about these days. Conspiracy-mongering is so 2008, and the feel-good, New-Agey tripe is even too kooky for me to discourse on with any consistency. I thought about doing vegan recipe reviews or maybe step-by-step instructional blog posts on risque´ topics like booty-bumping and auto-fellation, but I don’t want to scare away my kid readers. I even considered dedicating all future posts to my one true love, Clay Aiken, but that would make me look desperate and stalker-ish in his eyes.

I certainly plan to keep my relationship with Jesus a central focus of Dillsnap Cogitations. Were it not for his supreme sacrifice, all of humanity would be mired in a putrid bucket of sin and depravity (much like the conditions experienced by residents of New Jersey and Mississippi).


Jesus and his vengeful, sky god daddy (YWEH) have a divine plan for me. This plan includes me taking to my knees daily and mouthing pleasing words to the MOST HIGH, prostrating myself before the Lord in diligent obeyance, and ridding my mind of lusty and impure thoughts about men and women that I find sexually attractive. I will do my best to provide frequent updates with regards to the latter. Any advice or blog topic recommendations would be greatly appreciated these days.

Yours in Crisco,

Johnny Peepers

05
Aug
10

The Immaculate Conception/Virgin Birth dogma distinction

I wish to clear up a commonly held misconception regarding the Roman Catholic doctrine known as the Immaculate Conception. A vast number of individuals hold the belief that the IC and the Baby Jesus Virgin Birth are interchangeable historical/mythical events. The late (for what?) and immeasurably great George Carlin recently disabused me of this erroneous notion. The IC and Virgin Birth are distinguished as follows (Wikipedian sources):

The Immaculate Conception is the conception of the Virgin Mary without any stain (“immacula” in Latin) of original sin.  From the first moment of her existence, Mary was preserved by God from the lack of sanctifying grace that afflicts mankind and that she was instead filled with divine grace. It is further said by Catholics that she lived a life completely free from sin [except for that one time in a 8-jet jacuzzi]. Belief in Mary’s immaculate conception in the womb of her mother, through sexual intercourse, should not be confused with the doctrines of the virginal conception of her son Jesus, known as the Annunciation and the Virgin Birth.

The Virgin birth of Jesus is a tenet of Christianity and Islam which holds that Mary miraculously conceived Jesus while remaining a virgin.

The gospels of Matthew and Luke [straight shooters according to their many contemporaries] say that Mary was a virgin and that Jesus was conceived by the Holy Spirit.  These gospels, later tradition and current doctrine present Jesus’ conception as a miracle involving no natural father, no  sexual intercourse, and no male seed in any form, but instead brought about by the Holy Spirit. [Intact hymen + Holy Spirit seed absorption = Jesus.]

22
Jul
10

The Lord’s Prayer (2010 J.P. Update)

Baby Jesus, who art in thy golden fleece manger,

adored be thy emaciated little Middle-eastern frame.

Thy off-planet vengeful tribal deity will be done,

on Pluto as it is on Uranus.

Give us our PlayStation and our TMZ,

and forgive us our Glenn Beck and Sean Hannity,

as we forgive the blowhards who trespass on our minds,

and lead us not into Aristotelian two-valued logic,

but deliver us from soul-crunching miscreants,

for thine is the kingdom,

and the power, and the glory,

forever and ever

Ramen (noodles).

20
Feb
09

President Obama Defeats Jesus as America’s #1 Hero

obama-jedi1sad-jesus2

In a recent Harris Interactive poll, our fearless and awe-inspiring leader, President Barack H. Obama, edged out the Prince of Peace as America’s greatest hero. Jesus was bumped from the coveted position in a bitter contest that pitted the savior and redeemer of mankind against the magnificent unifier from Chicago, whose recent ascendancy heralded a transformative event in American politics.

jesus-campThough it may be disconcerting to the throngs of Bible-thumping mouth-breathers who desperately cling to their 2000+ year old fairy tales and rapture fantasies, Jesus just does not have what it takes to protect national security and ensure America’s hegemonic role as World Cop in the 21st century. Though America is still considered a Christian nation, an overwhelming majority support the use of military force to defeat the enemy. George W. Bush, whose primary political base consisted of Christians, was an ardent proponent of preemptive warfare. President Obama, who also received huge support from Christian Americans, has courageously donned the commander-in-chief boots to tackle the War on Terror head-on.

The 2008 election was a forceful rejection of the anachronistic, weak-kneed, turn-the-other-cheek religious philosophy, that if allowed to infect our leaders’ resolve, would certainly usher in the end of the greatest country that ever graced the face of Earth. Instead, I am confident that Obama will engage in a “spread the cheeks” militant foreign policy that will put the terrorists, freedom-haters, and two-bit dictators on a permanent state of notice that reads – don’t even think about it muthafuckas!

Jesus would not have had the guts, or the testicular fortitude, to maintain George W. Bush’s War on Islamo-Fascist Terror. Obama is undaunted by the treasonous moralizers and leftist pantywaists who ceaselessly whine and moan about war crimes, human rights abuses, torture, Geneva Convention violations, and other spurious charges that have no basis in fact. The Hate America first crowd is intent on weakening the president’s authority and America’s hyper-power status in order to realize their post-Armageddon religious utopia or their One World government socialist nightmare (depending on which pudding-brained nutball you ask).

rendition

Thankfully, two days after assuming office, President Obama wisely preserved the Rendition program (free airfare/mystery destination travel package for under-privileged terrorists). This is an incredibly useful weapon in the War on Terror arsenal that allows the CIA to secretly kidnap bad people anywhere in the World and transport them to countries where the laws allow for more *effective* interrogations. The Rendition program is likely to expand under Obama, allowing for more Islamo-Nazis to be disappeared, beaten, electrocuted, and sexually traumatized (just like the scum at Club Gitmo) in black prisons around the globe.

Another reason that Obama beat our Jesus for #1 hero is his decision to ramp up the fight on the Afghanistan front. On the campaign trail, Obama continually argued that more attention must be paid to the region where the 9/11 attacks originated. By sending in an additional 17,000 troops with the Afghan surge, the president is sending a loud and clear message to Bin Laden and his al-Qaeda network – America will not lose its terror obliterating resolve. Obama’s decision to launch the Afghan surge, coupled with his green light on the predator drone attacks and black operations in Pakistan, will further our goals of completely eradicating the Islamic terrorist menace.

jesusWhile Jesus is certainly an important astro-theological redeemer/savior archetype, his religious prescription is a recipe for disaster in the modern era. In the old days, the worst that could happen to you was a slap in the face, an ass-kicking, or a club against the head. It isn’t so easy to love your enemy when the haters of humanity have suicide bombers, airplane hijackers, and weapons of mass destruction at their disposal. The Harris poll identifying President Obama as America’s greatest hero reflects this understanding.

True patriotic Americans, unswayed by the continuous cacophony emitting from the Christian cowards and the naive, far-left, pacifist, granola-eaters, embraced a unflinching leader in the 2008 election – one who is not afraid to take the fight to the radical Islamic ratholes where the enemy mocks our fallen citizens. Please support America’s hero President Obama and his dedication to the War on Terror to ensure the preservation of democracy and freedom across the globe.

We have real enemies in the world. These enemies must be found. They must be pursued and they must be defeated ~President Barack H. Obama




Johnny Peepers

----> is a socio-pathetic degenerate with a penchant for cheap booze, ruphy-laden broads, and dim sum soup.

a

Blog Stats

  • 1,064,815 hits

Archives